nausea and paranoid's spooks. (animated gif)

feeling uneasy lately.
so hot and so cold.
yes and no.
in and out.
up and down.

hope my effort pay in the end of the day....

all you do is talk talk talk (animated gif)

graduation.

3 years has pass, and my study has done.
I silent down, and think back what I've done.
I've been good, I've been bad. well being bad is most of the time.
I've learn some, and I've teach some.
I share, I care, a little bit.

I can't be one of a kind,
but I'm learning to be one.
looking at the photos of friends,
for once, I feel jealousy.
so many friends I have,
so not many friends I have.

do I hate taking pictures?
no I don't.
do I hide at the corner of the pictures?
no I don't.
but so far, jealousy strike.
strike me while I viewing photos of friends,
after friends, after friends...

I got, some photos with others.
I got, but not much.
does this mean this is how you will be treat
when you chosen the path of solo?
I don't know.
I have no any fucking ideas about it.

but still,
looking at the smiles of friends,
I'm glad, I'm blessed.
I wish upon their success,
I pray upon they'll stay healthy.

but,
for the first time,
I feel sad.
on loneliness.
on solitariness...

by Joseph Yap, 2012

it's her. (part II)

under the same sun we study,
under the same roof of college we are in.

I saw her once, I saw her twice,
with friends she was,
with herself sometimes.

in her red checkered box shirt,
I never leave my eyes sight,
so sharp,
so catching my attention.

finally, but I can't remember how,
I manage to get closer to her.
had her email, had her chat room's allowed.
slowly and silently we chat,
complaints and comments we had.

I was a fool back then,
I never took it seriously.
I was seeing some other girls,
which really gives me sadness and sorrow
if I ever think back then.

times fly like midnight express,
the more I disturb her,
the more I found out that there's magic there.

finally I asked her out for a date,
a movie, a dinner on the very new year's eve of 2011.
I remember it was orange,
and I'm way too cool/cold for her she said,
well, seems like acting cool, isn't cool at all.

when the night has come,
I express how I feel.
I didn't tell her face to face,
I used the social network, and wait.

surprised , shocked, astonished
I think is how she felt,
she reply and said she was speechless.

so cute of her reply, so worry of my heart,
what if she says no?
what if she says yes?
I dare myself to take the answer.

in the end, she said:
"we shall see how things work,
not gonna stop it nor rush it, or anything :)"
do tell me folks,
does it mean a good way?
or does it mean nothing in a way?

I don't know that time,
but I'm glad she'll think about it at least.
what will goes on more I wonder
each and everyday of my life.

bitter sweet,
pretty handsome awkward.

by Joseph Yap Kim Sung, 2012.

it's her. (part I)

in white she dress,
her hair was short.
I can't help it,
but keep staring on.

dare I walk front to speak with her?
oh no, not that time,
I was too shy to ask,
I was to proud to lose.

she was a senior of mine,
I was still a dumb kid that time.
she pass by,
I stare, sometimes.

time goes by,
people moves on side by side.
what I've done for the previous life,
will it reanimated again this life?

people up there was so kind,
giving me chance to meet her again at college time.
I'm having my graphic and multimedia design,
she's into her art performing course.

so far, but so close,
almost we're in the same field.

by Joseph Yap Kim Sung, 2012.

Thought.

new month,
new moon has began.
Has I not made my decision?
Has I not yet see what's in front of me?

These thoughts,
these dreams that I dreamt,
will they come true?
will they happen one day?

I'm tired,
for travelling so far to class.
I'm tired,
for travelling so for to work.
I'm tired,
hearing lies and seeing fake expression.

Dare I walk away this life, you ask?
Nope, I am not a suicidal.
I promise a lot in this life
and I must make it come true one day.

One day,
but when, I wonder...

I'm tired,
of people asking question,
of answering the same question but
asked by different people.

I'm tired,
of growing up.
shall I name it burden?
Or shall I call it a duty?

I really hope that
someone out there can give me a real answer,
not bullshit,
not lecture,
but true answer.

I've tried walking the solo path,
I've done things my way,
but it seems still fragile.

Negative I've become lately.
Sad I've become lately.
I really need an answer for these thoughts.

by Joseph Yap Kim Sung, 2012.